( it's not easy for feelings to register particularly deeply, that's a natural part of being heartless. still, when he comes back to himself, and remembers (however fuzzily) what the former version of himself had gotten up to, even Graham manages to feel a bit badly. it's odd, really, to have such visceral proof of how much he's changed. being cursed is hardly something he will ever be grateful for, but perhaps there was something good to be said about the time he spent as a part of Storybrooke.
he managed to run into all too many people during his time back in the form of the Huntsman. the one that he's most bothered by, though, is undoubtedly the conversation he'd had with Emma. she'd never known him as the angry creature that refused to see the good in humanity until it was too late. all things considered, she might have been better off that way. she hadn't deserved the reaction she'd gotten. Emma had left him to his angry indignation with more protection then he'd deserved, but that didn't manage to make him feel any better about how the argument had gone down.
so when he has the moment, Graham takes the head to her rooms to... well, he's not even sure what. apologize? possibly. or at least explain. Emma has some idea of how the story went, yet she had no idea what sort of person the Huntsman was. now that she does he has to wonder if she'd rather that story remain untold. he knocks on her door and waits for an answer, not quite able to feel impatient or nervous, though he might have given the possibility. that was one key difference between his current self and his past one; the Huntsman had no problem in feeling, and feeling far too much. )
[ It's not as if Emma doesn't know what it's like to be overwhelmed by her emotions. She'd recognized the anger that the huntsman carried pretty easily thanks to her own upbringing - which was another thing she'd gotten a taste of recently. Sometimes being a part of ALASTAIR has a way of making her feel like she's regressed to her younger self; scared, lonely, clinging to hope so hard it left her completely exhausted. Only this time it had taken the literal form of her younger self, and the similarities left her feeling a little more aimless than usual.
At least in Storybrooke, she had her family and her friends, and a badge that meant something. She'd learned she could build the support system back home that she hasn't managed here, even when she puts actual effort into attempting to reach out. Maybe she sticks a little too close to Graham sometimes, but he's so many things to her here; a friend, a partner, a chance to get something right. Take all of that away and Emma thought they'd still find enough common ground to connect over, but she'd been proven wrong, quickly, by his younger self.
Thanks to Sunny, she knows when he turns back to normal. The calm, content wolf that returns to her is proof that he made it through just fine. Even she excuses herself to go sniff around after a while, and Emma doesn't want to keep her from adventure. She's alone when she hears his knock at the door, reading up on their next mission and trying to shove any lingering disappointment down as far as she can. It doesn't show when she opens the door - not unless he's especially tuned into what it looks like when Emma is trying to shove those walls back up - and looks him over, leaning against the door frame with a wordless nod.
Ask her what she wants for him and it's the same as it always was; a chance to experience happiness without an empty hole in his chest. She just thought it'd be different, if she ever had the chance to know him like that.]
Are you here to tell me you put the unicorns back?
( he manages a laugh at that, though there's something lacking about it. just a huff of breath, like he knows that's amusing even if he can't manage to feel the amusement. going from the full breadth of emotion to the absence all over again is jarring, it's almost like he feels less than he did before. perhaps it's just that he remembers, now, how vibrantly he could feel back then. he felt and felt powerfully, though jury was out if he felt anything much good. )
No. They're quite happy out in the clearing I found for them, let the grumpy cats fetch them if they want them back in the stable.
( screw those cats, tbh. apparently he doesn't need a heart to dislike them. even back to 'normal' — if one can call being cursed for decades and the former slave of an evil queen 'normal' — he can't find it in him to cage unicorns. they're content in the meadow and the threat is removed. he won't be the one locking them up again, they aren't so domesticated they can't manage grazing on their own.
knowing that he intended to talk to her about his past self doesn't make the conversation any easier to start, somehow. he is watching the floorboards under her boots when he finally finds something to say. ) The version of me you met... I just wanted to make sure you understood that it wasn't your fault. I was a different person back then. ( a different person, almost completely. the differences are painted for him in broad strokes, and he has to admit that he doesn't feel much yearning for the past now that he's seen it all over again, without bias or wistfulness. )
[ It only strikes her as surprising because he's seen those unicorns in the stables now. Though she supposes it would be his younger self who'd finally free them, and now that it's done and there are no unicorn-battling bugs to worry about, they might as well let the unicorns run around for as long as it lasts. If ALASTAIR keeps as tight a leash on them as they do their recruits, the unicorns could probably use a break from the routine.
She's not any better at starting a conversation about what happened than he is. Saying he's back to normal isn't entirely true; normal was taken from him thirty years ago. Normal was the wild man she met trying to protect the unicorns while simultaneously telling her to go to hell. For someone who is used to seeing people disappoint her, the Graham she knows has always been a breath of fresh air. He defied Regina even though he knew it'd make his life more difficult, and took back his freedom with the expectation that there would be consequences.
It's not that the Graham she saw during the infestation was totally unrecognizable; in some ways she knew him, in others she was him, but it wasn't enough to get through to him.]
I know, I could tell.
[ She straightens up and slides her hands into her pockets, considering the explanation he's offered. Graham was a different person back then. He could feel things back then. Right or wrong and even with (crazy) levels of intensity, it was still better than the alternative. Having a heart was better than going without, and that's where he is right now.]
You don't owe me an explanation, I just didn't want to see you - or them - get hurt. I should have left you alone, but I was... worried.
[And curious. She'll leave that part out, but it might have factored in.]
( he's seen the unicorns in the stable and has less derision in seeing them back, though that's with the uncomfortable knowledge that they have been so domesticated that don't quite remember that they should want to be free. considering they had escaped on their own, he's not desperate to shove them back in a cage. heart or heartless, he still is all too aware what sort of cost one pays when freedom is forcibly taken away.
he can't tell if he should feel relieved or not that Emma could tell that he was someone else without his memories of Storybrooke. he'd offered an explanation she didn't need, and yet somehow the uncomfortable ache lingered. should he apologize for how he'd treated her? it felt like apologizing for who he used to be, and that wasn't something easily said, though maybe it wasn't inaccurate either. there's no more nostalgia or rose-colored glasses to skew his perspective of his past. he'd been wrong to assume the worst of all, and living as that person again just made it clear. it was funny how being forced into service by the worst human he'd ever known had shown him that the rest of the world was not as despicable as he'd imagined. )
I'd tell you my survival instincts were about the only instincts I had back then, but in the end they could have been better. ( he'd ignored them in favor of making a bargain with an evil queen, and even if he'd defied her he'd paid for it, more than once. ) I don't want to see you hurt, either, and it's worse knowing it was me that was responsible. ( that's the problem, isn't it? knowing that he'd forced a gap between them, even if it hadn't been a conscious choice of the man standing in front of her. )
[ They could always be better, couldn't they? Although in this case, there were certain levels on which she knew better. Self-preservation had kicked in quickly enough for her to hesitate at the thought of approaching the huntsman, but that hadn't been enough to keep her away. Oska's surprise temporal bugs kept her on her toes more often than not, and the idea of a younger, unprepared huntsman having to fight those things had been a source of concern for her.
She doesn't take chances with him anymore. When something goes wrong, she wants to be at his side. It's unfair and probably uncalled for; deep down, Emma is confident he can take care of himself, but she's been too careless with him before.
It's not a matter of guaranteeing his safety, even the savior knows she can't do that. She wanted a chance to fight for him, without ever stopping to think that maybe, if he could go back to being who he was (with his freedom and a beating heart), he wouldn't want her to be the one to do it anymore.]
Hey, it's fine. You didn't - [Hurt her? It comes out flat and empty, so hollow that even a heartless huntsman would know the difference.
Emma steps back and holds the door open, offering him an opportunity to come in if he wants to. If he's willing to show up at her door with an apology for trying to exist, the least she can do is admit their interaction bothered her. Graham may hold himself responsible, but she doesn't. She could have gone on her way and been none the wiser, but they both know she's almost incapable of leaving well enough alone.]
I know it wasn't personal. I'm the one who got in your way, I should have known that it wouldn't end well.
( yes, he would have liked to believe that he hadn't, if only for his own self assurance. it's true though that he doesn't buy it, that having such a visceral reaction hadn't bothered her at all. he knows it did, because he could see it as it happened. he remembers the hurt in her eyes and the attempts to reach out that he'd spurned. it's rather sad that the Huntsman had been able to read her so easily, even in the midst of his stubborn hatred of the idea she represented. he did feel things intensely, that past visage of himself. he felt things intently yet tainted with perceptions and biases that he feels at least a slight bit of disapproval of now.
Emma steps back and he hesitates only a moment before pulling away from the anchor of her door frame to move into her space. he wants to resolve this, even though pulling up the dregs of his past isn't easy. if anyone deserves the honesty, it's Emma. she deserves it, and he wants to share it, as long as she wants to listen. he couldn't blame her for wishing she hadn't met that previous form. he doesn't regret who he was, and he can see how he's grown from that angry boy in wolf's clothing insisting to himself and anyone that tried him that he didn't need anyone but the wolves he roamed after. the man that had overseen a sleepy town for decades realizes how wrong that boy had been, and how naive. he needs people, he'd needed people even then, and maybe if he'd let a few of them in things might have been different. )
How could you have known that? You don't have any idea of who I was then. I didn't want you to. ( he wonders how much Emma has heard of the lives her family lead before they landed in Storybrooke. it's likely more than he's told her about, besides the stammers from a fever-fueled mind as he was trying to understand pictures in his head. ) I wish I could have told you, instead of you having to face it without warning. If you'd like to know, I would like to tell you. Though I understand if you had more than enough as it is. ( maybe context will help, maybe it won't... but that shade from the past was still a part of him, explained plenty about how he felt and operated now, even without a heart. it was a fragile thing to offer someone, yet if she wanted to know more about him, he would like to be the one to tell her. )
[ Who he was then isn't as important as who he is now. When they were on their own they both fell pretty far, didn't they? She was a runaway and a thief. It's a forgivable offense on its own, but that doesn't cover how quickly things were escalating before she got caught. Stealing to survive was one thing; retrieving stolen valuables worth thousands of dollars was another. Prison had taught her that she belonged in isolation, that if she was locked up no one would miss her, or fight for her, or notice if she was gone.
She doesn't blame him for seeing the worst in humanity when it's what he was conditioned to expect. For him to treat her the way he did, people had to have been cruel to him first. That kind of hatred usually doesn't exist without experiences to connect it to, and it's not like she did a great job of trying to talk some sense into him. Putting his past anger into their present was something she hadn't been prepared to deal with. They do both seem to recognize that, though, and Emma doesn't want to turn down an offer to learn more about him.
She walks over to the bed she made a few minutes ago and sits down on the edge of it, inviting him to sit beside her or pull up the one standalone chair in the room. ALASTAIR isn't known for their ability to make their recruits comfortable, and by the looks of things, that won't be changing anytime soon.]
I do want to know, if that's alright. Whatever you're comfortable with telling me. [ Or maybe all of it is uncomfortable and that can't be avoided, but he's offering something he hasn't before. Emma doesn't want to have this conversation because he thinks he owes it to her, or because he feels like it's something she deserves for putting up with him. There's no scenario in which she'd believe she's entitled to a discussion of his past - but selfishly, she still wants to know him in any way that he's willing to share himself with her.]
( it's true, their rooms aren't very accommodating. that doesn't bother him terribly much, he's never really had a room feel like his own, anyway. his flat in Storybrooke had been all he needed to survive and nothing else, bare bones to the extreme. even as a hunter he hadn't had a room, he'd had a forest floor and a fleet of trees. the cell he'd been kept in during his time at the castle hadn't felt like his, either, though he had never spent much time there, anyway. he doesn't spend much time in his accommodations in Oska or his accommodations anywhere, really. he doesn't really know how to make something feel like his.
Emma indicates he should join her and he hesitates, at least for a moment. Graham and beds just don't mix well, it seems. he does most of his conversing standing, he only spends time in a bed if he's sleeping or he's forced there. choosing to sit next to her is strange, even though she'd convinced him to do it a time or two in Chantes, when he was wanted by the law and forced to stay inside a majority of the time. the Emma with him now won't remember that, but he does, with fondness. even though a handful of history doesn't seem to make him any more certain when he takes the spot next to her.
he's silent for a moment, before realizing Emma doesn't intend to ask questions, and she's waiting for him to start talking. this idea was easier to execute in his head. he doesn't talk about himself often, and for good reason. there's an idle fidget, fingers fussing with his hair, as he tries to find the best place to start. ) The first thing I can really remember is living with the wolves. I don't remember any other family. ( objectively, he knows there must have been one, he just doesn't know how or why he lost them. just that he did, and his replacement was more than enough for him. ) Sometimes I'd run into villagers, or try sneaking to town. They were disturbed by me, I suppose, and they were cruel to my friends. To animals. So I grew to hate them before they gave me reason to.
( he knows that he was young and foolish, and given the chance to do the right thing, he did. that doesn't excuse his actions, though, he accepts he had his own faults. ) Your mother was the first that was really kind to me. Even when she knew my intention, she was never cruel. I'm still not sure why, but I'm still glad to have met her. She was the first to show me the good I had been turning away from. Without her I might have never known. ( he might have never ended up enslaved by Regina, either, but at least some good came from it. the silver lining in a horribly dark cloud. )
[No, Emma doesn't start with any questions. She thinks it's best to listen first; see what he's willing to tell and how comfortable he is with the conversation. There's a choice involved in keeping silent; he can stop if he decides he doesn't want to do this, or change the subject if he'd rather talk about something else. It doesn't take long to realize that he's struggling with this, he has a few tells that give him away, but when the words come, they're ones paint a picture.
He doesn't remember having a human care for him as a child. There were no parents, no siblings - just the wolves to raise him. Whatever happened to his parents happened early enough that he was as much an orphan as she was.
It's different. In the world she grew up in, they had a system in place for unwanted children. Someone found her and August and put them in foster care, and for the first few years she had a family. What she remembers most about them is that they sent her back, when she was small and scared and couldn't understand what her family had done to her. Kindness came in the form of people who felt sorry for her, but it was still present. She couldn't count on anyone to take care of her, yet she knew basic human sympathy at an early age. All Graham saw was disapproval.
Mary Margaret isn't capable of being cruel. Emma knows from experience that her mother always takes people as they are. It's a simple act in theory and a hell of a lot harder in practice; to show compassion to everyone, whether they're a friend or an enemy or a complete stranger. She's a hero, plain and simple, and sometimes Emma wonders if she'll ever measure up.]
You were afraid of getting hurt, I don't think that's as terrible as you're making it out to be.
[ He was protecting himself. It's a skill Emma also picked up along the way; the one where if she approached people with the lowest expectations possible, she couldn't be too let down when that was as much as they were able to offer her. The problem was that it left her with a hollow feeling; the kind that came from only having herself to rely on.]
And I would never judge you for who you were in the past, you know that.
[The same way he knew she served time and offered her a job in law enforcement anyway. They've both grown from who they were when they were young and on their own. It's why they're able to talk like this now, when years ago, it wouldn't have been an option for either one of them.]
But I know that it's easier to expect the worst than to open yourself up to the possibility of being vulnerable. That's what I do. That's why I couldn't believe in the curse.
[Remembering the kind of guilt that left her with makes his easier to understand.]
That version of you may not have wanted to be my friend, but he's a part of you. That means he matters to me too, you know? [She gives him a weak smile, a little uncertain but still grateful for what he's offered her.] Having a little background information actually makes him a little more familiar than I'd like to admit.
( easier to expect the worst sounds sort of like advice from very long ago, not feeling anything is an attractive option when what you feel sucks. she'd said it to him when he was so desperate to feel something he'd have taken anything. it shows that she's grown and changed, she's not quite the same woman that had let him disinfect the cut on her eyebrow and let him kiss her despite the risk of letting someone closer. it's bittersweet; he's glad that she's found the perspective that she realizes the way she'd been thinking had been detrimental. he just wishes he could have been there to help her find her way. )
It seems like you found a way around it.
( and he doesn't just mean the curse, though, that too. he's glad knowing that Regina's demented stranglehold on innocent people is over. while he can't quite imagine seeing himself back in Storybrooke, even if Emma might like him to, he rests a little easier knowing that the curse has been broken and the town left in good hands. he means that she's grown a little, changed a little. he suspects it's influence of the family she never got to meet until adulthood, yet is it so wrong to be quietly happy they're all together again, anyway?
or, were. if Emma weren't here, instead of where she belonged. )
Bear in mind he nearly killed someone before he had a change of heart. He wasn't an easy person to befriend if you didn't walk on four legs. ( he manages a smile, though, in return. it's uncertain and uneasy but they can handle a conversation about something that isn't ideal, can't they? they've handled far worse before. ) Why's that? If you were raised by wolves too, that's rather eerie, don't you think?
( because when in doubt, make dumb jokes. that always works. or it never works, but Graham tries anyway. )
[ Emma will go for the compromise; it always and never works. She still manages a smile in spite of the current topic of conversation, shaking her head at a joke that's so terribly not funny that it actually makes things a little better instead of worse.
It's his timing. He always throws one in when she's least expecting it.]
No, I wasn't raised by wolves. I was raised by the foster system. [It's a fact of life at this point. Her smile fades instantly, but that's only appropriate, right? These experiences have weighed on them. Neither of them escaped their childhood unscathed.] I had a family for a little while, when I was a baby. They sent me back when I was three to make room for their own kid - some miracle child.
[She doesn't remember the details, just names and faces, and the feeling of being wanted until suddenly she wasn't. The information's all in one neat little folder, she knows how to fill in the blanks, but knowing why doesn't make her feel any better about being discarded by people she cared about.] And then about a decade later things were going good, and I had this friend who was ... complicated, and stirred up some trouble with another family I'd gotten attached to. That was family number two.
[ There's another person who she should remember, yet the idea of a third missed opportunity doesn't trigger any memories. No name, no face, nothing for her to connect to.] After a while I realized that no one was coming for me; that no one wanted me. I stopped letting myself miss what I didn't have and started learning how to protect myself, because I knew no one else was going to do it for me.
[Graham was violent, she was a thief. She somehow doubts she gets extra credit for stealing stuff instead of threatening people. It's not much of a story if Emma stops there, so just shrugs off the memories that rush back too easily - the ones that say she still isn't enough.]
Eventually Henry showed up at my door and dragged me to Storybrooke. And then Mary Margaret gave me a place to stay, and you offered me a job. I wasn't used to people reaching out, but I didn't know how to turn away from it, either. I didn't want to go back to being on my own.
( he doesn't actually know her history, not really. he'd seen the smear campaign Regina had painted over the front page of the paper, of course; everyone in Storybrooke had the basic facts. orphaned and incarcerated. there's more to a person than their past, though, and apparently even cursed he'd believed there was more to Emma than what a sealed record could tell.
he's quiet as he listens, not looking her in the eye but focused on her words. the idea of not being wanted isn't so foreign to him, because he'd felt it before. in the midst of villagers when he tried to buy bread or have a drink or even find shelter, he'd never been particularly wanted by anything that walked on two legs. it hadn't bothered him as much as it could have when he had a pack of warm fur and cold noses to go back to that wanted him desperately, but that didn't much ease the sting of being turned away or sneered at. he can't imagine what it must have been like to have a family give her up, he was too young when he'd lost his, he doesn't even remember what having one had been like. he'd seen how it affected her, though, she carried it as obviously as the red leather jacket.
and he knows that when she'd taken the badge from him, she'd been toeing the line of letting herself be a part of something. she was, he could see it, he could tell, even if he hadn't gotten to be there when it happened. her hand is not so far away from his, and while he does tend to be cautious about touching people, it doesn't seem so terrible to reach out. wrapping his hand over hers, even for a moment. a reminder that she's not alone here, either, even if it's everything she's afraid of.
temporary. )
I'm sorry. ( it's a lacking word, but he's got to say it, even if it can't fill the gaps or soothe the sorrow. pack is his word for family, and he really and truly is glad that Emma has hers again, even if her past still complicates things. feeling unwanted stays with you, it'd made him angry instead of distant. he's glad that she's starting to learn differently without the extremes he'd needed. ) I know it's not easy, but remember you're not a lone wolf here, either. Who I used to be doesn't change how I feel about you now.
( and surely Emma can tell Graham is very much on the opposite side of the spectrum from the angry young man she'd met. he cares about her a great deal, probably more than she even knows. )
[ Let's not overlook the sealed record; a sealed record says a lot. It points to someone desperate, someone alone. No support system, no honest way of getting by on her own.
Emma used to have a friend who thought being a runaway was some big adventure, but it was never anything like that. It was scary for dozens of reasons, and upsetting for a few hundred more. Regina used to like to argue that her past was an indicator of who she is now, and no matter how much she changes, she still walks with the shadow of someone who's too afraid to hope for permanence.
She turns her hand over, lets their fingers lace together. It's not asking or expecting anything of him. Count the number of times they've touched under normal circumstances and she could probably fit them on one hand. It's not normal to be abandoned, they both learned that sooner than they would have liked to, but it's a part of their past. She can understand why he's so at home with animals, they took care of him when no one else would. That kind of connection must be powerful, but Emma's never felt it.]
Don't be. [Sorry, because that's not why she told him. People have felt sorry for her for as long as she can remember, she doesn't want to lump him with that. It's not until he continues that she can breathe again, the pad of her thumb stroking across his knuckle in a quiet gesture of gratitude. Wasn't she supposed to be the one making him feel better about this? He's the one carrying guilt for who he was, and that was never her intention in the first place.]
Are you inviting me into your wolfpack? [ She smiles playfully for a moment, then lets that comment settle into something a little more serious.] Good, because I like who you are now.
[She can handle rejection at the hands of his younger self. It's who he's become that she'd like to keep in her life.]
( wishing she hadn't suffered isn't the same as pitying her. of course he'd rather she not have been left on her lonesome and left to accumulate such painful scars; that doesn't mean he sees her as less for having survived them. quite the contrary, actually. he's always thought she was stronger than her past implied, knowing more of the picture doesn't change his mind about that.
he smiles a little at the returned gesture, one that he actually feels instead of just a instinctive reaction he's hardly mindful of. he's glad that things between them haven't changed too drastically from where they'd been before. he was afraid of that, and perhaps he shouldn't have been. he would not make that mistake twice. )
Something like that, only I won't expect you to sleep in a pile or let my brother clean behind your ears. ( some parts of the pack weren't as enjoyable as others, honestly... though Graham is still fond of sleeping in a pile, actually. kinda sucks that his brother occasionally absconds to pile with Sunny instead!!! whatever happened to bros before hoes, man... brutal.
as for the compliment, the last she'd given him he knew little what to do with, and this one seems no different. he breathes a laugh, shaking his head. it's definitely a pace late when he answers with a limited, ) I'm glad. ( he'd prefer Emma like him over not, certainly. he just can't manage to actually like himself enough that the compliment makes any sense. he can't fathom being dreamy, and even worse, he can't quite understand why she likes him, either; especially knowing more about him over less. that's a heavy thought, and one that stays caged in his head. he'd rather she not change her mind, even if it's rather selfish of him. he squeezes her palm, a goodbye of sorts, if she can read the communication without any words. surely he's taken up enough of her time as it is. )
[ Sometimes Sunny and Brother are a wolf pile all their own. Emma is well aware and only vaguely offended by it - without thirty plus years of animal companionship, she never expected her wolf to hang with her when there was an animal like her around. It's why she asked for Sunny in the first place; so that Graham and Brother don't have to be lone wolves here. The idea of her being one never really factored in, probably because it's what she's used to.]
Hey, the pile has its perks. [ He never has to worry about getting cold or needing a blanket. The one time Brother dragged them into a pile, it wasn't the worst thing that had ever happened to her. While Graham seems to expect that she would be uncomfortable with the routines he's established, Emma finds it easier to be a part of them than he tends to realize. It's how easily they work together that creeps up on her sometimes, when she's aware their differences could be more of an obstacle.
She nods, letting him stand before he does so that she can follow him to the door. Somehow she has a feeling that she isn't the only one he needs to see on his apology tour, and she won't keep him from that. They don't get a lot of downtime with this organization, he probably needs to take this as an opportunity to catch up while he still has one.]
I'll see you later. [ A promise, even without any agreed upon plans. If she doesn't seek him out and he doesn't seek her out, they still have two wolves who are impressively skilled in their persistence.]
The pile isn't so bad. I'm doing you a favor on the ear washing. ( wolf tongues are great on a coat of fur, not so much on sensitive human skin. Brother has learned to focus his desire to help groom on Sunny instead, which is likely for the best. the huntsman can keep up his own hygiene.
it's true, and she's not. unfortunately it seemed the Huntsman had managed to ruffle quite a few feathers, and it was forcing the man he'd become to answer questions he hadn't anticipated answering. perhaps it wasn't a bad thing, to stop zealously holding his past to himself. like it or not, it was a part of him, and if he'd been honest about it? he might not have so many apologies to make. )
I'll see you later. ( it's an agreement, and he likes the reality of it. for however long yet that it will last. he's glad that Emma is here with him, though he knows that's a rather selfish thing to feel. it's not permanent, he knows that, but the idea that they still have time is still a reassuring one. he manages a glimmer of a smile before he slips away, off to the next person that got on the wrong side of his past. )
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winterfish
after the memory foolishness but before the rescue mission
Date: 2016-09-14 03:44 am (UTC)he managed to run into all too many people during his time back in the form of the Huntsman. the one that he's most bothered by, though, is undoubtedly the conversation he'd had with Emma. she'd never known him as the angry creature that refused to see the good in humanity until it was too late. all things considered, she might have been better off that way. she hadn't deserved the reaction she'd gotten. Emma had left him to his angry indignation with more protection then he'd deserved, but that didn't manage to make him feel any better about how the argument had gone down.
so when he has the moment, Graham takes the head to her rooms to... well, he's not even sure what. apologize? possibly. or at least explain. Emma has some idea of how the story went, yet she had no idea what sort of person the Huntsman was. now that she does he has to wonder if she'd rather that story remain untold. he knocks on her door and waits for an answer, not quite able to feel impatient or nervous, though he might have given the possibility. that was one key difference between his current self and his past one; the Huntsman had no problem in feeling, and feeling far too much. )
no subject
Date: 2016-09-14 08:40 pm (UTC)At least in Storybrooke, she had her family and her friends, and a badge that meant something. She'd learned she could build the support system back home that she hasn't managed here, even when she puts actual effort into attempting to reach out. Maybe she sticks a little too close to Graham sometimes, but he's so many things to her here; a friend, a partner, a chance to get something right. Take all of that away and Emma thought they'd still find enough common ground to connect over, but she'd been proven wrong, quickly, by his younger self.
Thanks to Sunny, she knows when he turns back to normal. The calm, content wolf that returns to her is proof that he made it through just fine. Even she excuses herself to go sniff around after a while, and Emma doesn't want to keep her from adventure. She's alone when she hears his knock at the door, reading up on their next mission and trying to shove any lingering disappointment down as far as she can. It doesn't show when she opens the door - not unless he's especially tuned into what it looks like when Emma is trying to shove those walls back up - and looks him over, leaning against the door frame with a wordless nod.
Ask her what she wants for him and it's the same as it always was; a chance to experience happiness without an empty hole in his chest. She just thought it'd be different, if she ever had the chance to know him like that.]
Are you here to tell me you put the unicorns back?
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Date: 2016-09-15 04:25 am (UTC)No. They're quite happy out in the clearing I found for them, let the grumpy cats fetch them if they want them back in the stable.
( screw those cats, tbh. apparently he doesn't need a heart to dislike them. even back to 'normal' — if one can call being cursed for decades and the former slave of an evil queen 'normal' — he can't find it in him to cage unicorns. they're content in the meadow and the threat is removed. he won't be the one locking them up again, they aren't so domesticated they can't manage grazing on their own.
knowing that he intended to talk to her about his past self doesn't make the conversation any easier to start, somehow. he is watching the floorboards under her boots when he finally finds something to say. ) The version of me you met... I just wanted to make sure you understood that it wasn't your fault. I was a different person back then. ( a different person, almost completely. the differences are painted for him in broad strokes, and he has to admit that he doesn't feel much yearning for the past now that he's seen it all over again, without bias or wistfulness. )
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Date: 2016-09-16 05:07 am (UTC)She's not any better at starting a conversation about what happened than he is. Saying he's back to normal isn't entirely true; normal was taken from him thirty years ago. Normal was the wild man she met trying to protect the unicorns while simultaneously telling her to go to hell. For someone who is used to seeing people disappoint her, the Graham she knows has always been a breath of fresh air. He defied Regina even though he knew it'd make his life more difficult, and took back his freedom with the expectation that there would be consequences.
It's not that the Graham she saw during the infestation was totally unrecognizable; in some ways she knew him, in others she was him, but it wasn't enough to get through to him.]
I know, I could tell.
[ She straightens up and slides her hands into her pockets, considering the explanation he's offered. Graham was a different person back then. He could feel things back then. Right or wrong and even with (crazy) levels of intensity, it was still better than the alternative. Having a heart was better than going without, and that's where he is right now.]
You don't owe me an explanation, I just didn't want to see you - or them - get hurt. I should have left you alone, but I was... worried.
[And curious. She'll leave that part out, but it might have factored in.]
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Date: 2016-09-17 08:12 am (UTC)he can't tell if he should feel relieved or not that Emma could tell that he was someone else without his memories of Storybrooke. he'd offered an explanation she didn't need, and yet somehow the uncomfortable ache lingered. should he apologize for how he'd treated her? it felt like apologizing for who he used to be, and that wasn't something easily said, though maybe it wasn't inaccurate either. there's no more nostalgia or rose-colored glasses to skew his perspective of his past. he'd been wrong to assume the worst of all, and living as that person again just made it clear. it was funny how being forced into service by the worst human he'd ever known had shown him that the rest of the world was not as despicable as he'd imagined. )
I'd tell you my survival instincts were about the only instincts I had back then, but in the end they could have been better. ( he'd ignored them in favor of making a bargain with an evil queen, and even if he'd defied her he'd paid for it, more than once. ) I don't want to see you hurt, either, and it's worse knowing it was me that was responsible. ( that's the problem, isn't it? knowing that he'd forced a gap between them, even if it hadn't been a conscious choice of the man standing in front of her. )
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Date: 2016-09-19 01:25 am (UTC)She doesn't take chances with him anymore. When something goes wrong, she wants to be at his side. It's unfair and probably uncalled for; deep down, Emma is confident he can take care of himself, but she's been too careless with him before.
It's not a matter of guaranteeing his safety, even the savior knows she can't do that. She wanted a chance to fight for him, without ever stopping to think that maybe, if he could go back to being who he was (with his freedom and a beating heart), he wouldn't want her to be the one to do it anymore.]
Hey, it's fine. You didn't - [Hurt her? It comes out flat and empty, so hollow that even a heartless huntsman would know the difference.
Emma steps back and holds the door open, offering him an opportunity to come in if he wants to. If he's willing to show up at her door with an apology for trying to exist, the least she can do is admit their interaction bothered her. Graham may hold himself responsible, but she doesn't. She could have gone on her way and been none the wiser, but they both know she's almost incapable of leaving well enough alone.]
I know it wasn't personal. I'm the one who got in your way, I should have known that it wouldn't end well.
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Date: 2016-09-23 06:22 am (UTC)Emma steps back and he hesitates only a moment before pulling away from the anchor of her door frame to move into her space. he wants to resolve this, even though pulling up the dregs of his past isn't easy. if anyone deserves the honesty, it's Emma. she deserves it, and he wants to share it, as long as she wants to listen. he couldn't blame her for wishing she hadn't met that previous form. he doesn't regret who he was, and he can see how he's grown from that angry boy in wolf's clothing insisting to himself and anyone that tried him that he didn't need anyone but the wolves he roamed after. the man that had overseen a sleepy town for decades realizes how wrong that boy had been, and how naive. he needs people, he'd needed people even then, and maybe if he'd let a few of them in things might have been different. )
How could you have known that? You don't have any idea of who I was then. I didn't want you to. ( he wonders how much Emma has heard of the lives her family lead before they landed in Storybrooke. it's likely more than he's told her about, besides the stammers from a fever-fueled mind as he was trying to understand pictures in his head. ) I wish I could have told you, instead of you having to face it without warning. If you'd like to know, I would like to tell you. Though I understand if you had more than enough as it is. ( maybe context will help, maybe it won't... but that shade from the past was still a part of him, explained plenty about how he felt and operated now, even without a heart. it was a fragile thing to offer someone, yet if she wanted to know more about him, he would like to be the one to tell her. )
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Date: 2016-09-26 05:04 am (UTC)She doesn't blame him for seeing the worst in humanity when it's what he was conditioned to expect. For him to treat her the way he did, people had to have been cruel to him first. That kind of hatred usually doesn't exist without experiences to connect it to, and it's not like she did a great job of trying to talk some sense into him. Putting his past anger into their present was something she hadn't been prepared to deal with. They do both seem to recognize that, though, and Emma doesn't want to turn down an offer to learn more about him.
She walks over to the bed she made a few minutes ago and sits down on the edge of it, inviting him to sit beside her or pull up the one standalone chair in the room. ALASTAIR isn't known for their ability to make their recruits comfortable, and by the looks of things, that won't be changing anytime soon.]
I do want to know, if that's alright. Whatever you're comfortable with telling me. [ Or maybe all of it is uncomfortable and that can't be avoided, but he's offering something he hasn't before. Emma doesn't want to have this conversation because he thinks he owes it to her, or because he feels like it's something she deserves for putting up with him. There's no scenario in which she'd believe she's entitled to a discussion of his past - but selfishly, she still wants to know him in any way that he's willing to share himself with her.]
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Date: 2016-09-26 05:50 am (UTC)Emma indicates he should join her and he hesitates, at least for a moment. Graham and beds just don't mix well, it seems. he does most of his conversing standing, he only spends time in a bed if he's sleeping or he's forced there. choosing to sit next to her is strange, even though she'd convinced him to do it a time or two in Chantes, when he was wanted by the law and forced to stay inside a majority of the time. the Emma with him now won't remember that, but he does, with fondness. even though a handful of history doesn't seem to make him any more certain when he takes the spot next to her.
he's silent for a moment, before realizing Emma doesn't intend to ask questions, and she's waiting for him to start talking. this idea was easier to execute in his head. he doesn't talk about himself often, and for good reason. there's an idle fidget, fingers fussing with his hair, as he tries to find the best place to start. ) The first thing I can really remember is living with the wolves. I don't remember any other family. ( objectively, he knows there must have been one, he just doesn't know how or why he lost them. just that he did, and his replacement was more than enough for him. ) Sometimes I'd run into villagers, or try sneaking to town. They were disturbed by me, I suppose, and they were cruel to my friends. To animals. So I grew to hate them before they gave me reason to.
( he knows that he was young and foolish, and given the chance to do the right thing, he did. that doesn't excuse his actions, though, he accepts he had his own faults. ) Your mother was the first that was really kind to me. Even when she knew my intention, she was never cruel. I'm still not sure why, but I'm still glad to have met her. She was the first to show me the good I had been turning away from. Without her I might have never known. ( he might have never ended up enslaved by Regina, either, but at least some good came from it. the silver lining in a horribly dark cloud. )
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Date: 2016-10-01 11:58 pm (UTC)He doesn't remember having a human care for him as a child. There were no parents, no siblings - just the wolves to raise him. Whatever happened to his parents happened early enough that he was as much an orphan as she was.
It's different. In the world she grew up in, they had a system in place for unwanted children. Someone found her and August and put them in foster care, and for the first few years she had a family. What she remembers most about them is that they sent her back, when she was small and scared and couldn't understand what her family had done to her. Kindness came in the form of people who felt sorry for her, but it was still present. She couldn't count on anyone to take care of her, yet she knew basic human sympathy at an early age. All Graham saw was disapproval.
Mary Margaret isn't capable of being cruel. Emma knows from experience that her mother always takes people as they are. It's a simple act in theory and a hell of a lot harder in practice; to show compassion to everyone, whether they're a friend or an enemy or a complete stranger. She's a hero, plain and simple, and sometimes Emma wonders if she'll ever measure up.]
You were afraid of getting hurt, I don't think that's as terrible as you're making it out to be.
[ He was protecting himself. It's a skill Emma also picked up along the way; the one where if she approached people with the lowest expectations possible, she couldn't be too let down when that was as much as they were able to offer her. The problem was that it left her with a hollow feeling; the kind that came from only having herself to rely on.]
And I would never judge you for who you were in the past, you know that.
[The same way he knew she served time and offered her a job in law enforcement anyway. They've both grown from who they were when they were young and on their own. It's why they're able to talk like this now, when years ago, it wouldn't have been an option for either one of them.]
But I know that it's easier to expect the worst than to open yourself up to the possibility of being vulnerable. That's what I do. That's why I couldn't believe in the curse.
[Remembering the kind of guilt that left her with makes his easier to understand.]
That version of you may not have wanted to be my friend, but he's a part of you. That means he matters to me too, you know? [She gives him a weak smile, a little uncertain but still grateful for what he's offered her.] Having a little background information actually makes him a little more familiar than I'd like to admit.
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Date: 2016-10-02 08:37 am (UTC)It seems like you found a way around it.
( and he doesn't just mean the curse, though, that too. he's glad knowing that Regina's demented stranglehold on innocent people is over. while he can't quite imagine seeing himself back in Storybrooke, even if Emma might like him to, he rests a little easier knowing that the curse has been broken and the town left in good hands. he means that she's grown a little, changed a little. he suspects it's influence of the family she never got to meet until adulthood, yet is it so wrong to be quietly happy they're all together again, anyway?
or, were. if Emma weren't here, instead of where she belonged. )
Bear in mind he nearly killed someone before he had a change of heart. He wasn't an easy person to befriend if you didn't walk on four legs. ( he manages a smile, though, in return. it's uncertain and uneasy but they can handle a conversation about something that isn't ideal, can't they? they've handled far worse before. ) Why's that? If you were raised by wolves too, that's rather eerie, don't you think?
( because when in doubt, make dumb jokes. that always works. or it never works, but Graham tries anyway. )
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Date: 2016-10-03 04:46 am (UTC)It's his timing. He always throws one in when she's least expecting it.]
No, I wasn't raised by wolves. I was raised by the foster system. [It's a fact of life at this point. Her smile fades instantly, but that's only appropriate, right? These experiences have weighed on them. Neither of them escaped their childhood unscathed.] I had a family for a little while, when I was a baby. They sent me back when I was three to make room for their own kid - some miracle child.
[She doesn't remember the details, just names and faces, and the feeling of being wanted until suddenly she wasn't. The information's all in one neat little folder, she knows how to fill in the blanks, but knowing why doesn't make her feel any better about being discarded by people she cared about.] And then about a decade later things were going good, and I had this friend who was ... complicated, and stirred up some trouble with another family I'd gotten attached to. That was family number two.
[ There's another person who she should remember, yet the idea of a third missed opportunity doesn't trigger any memories. No name, no face, nothing for her to connect to.] After a while I realized that no one was coming for me; that no one wanted me. I stopped letting myself miss what I didn't have and started learning how to protect myself, because I knew no one else was going to do it for me.
[Graham was violent, she was a thief. She somehow doubts she gets extra credit for stealing stuff instead of threatening people. It's not much of a story if Emma stops there, so just shrugs off the memories that rush back too easily - the ones that say she still isn't enough.]
Eventually Henry showed up at my door and dragged me to Storybrooke. And then Mary Margaret gave me a place to stay, and you offered me a job. I wasn't used to people reaching out, but I didn't know how to turn away from it, either. I didn't want to go back to being on my own.
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Date: 2016-10-03 08:04 am (UTC)he's quiet as he listens, not looking her in the eye but focused on her words. the idea of not being wanted isn't so foreign to him, because he'd felt it before. in the midst of villagers when he tried to buy bread or have a drink or even find shelter, he'd never been particularly wanted by anything that walked on two legs. it hadn't bothered him as much as it could have when he had a pack of warm fur and cold noses to go back to that wanted him desperately, but that didn't much ease the sting of being turned away or sneered at. he can't imagine what it must have been like to have a family give her up, he was too young when he'd lost his, he doesn't even remember what having one had been like. he'd seen how it affected her, though, she carried it as obviously as the red leather jacket.
and he knows that when she'd taken the badge from him, she'd been toeing the line of letting herself be a part of something. she was, he could see it, he could tell, even if he hadn't gotten to be there when it happened. her hand is not so far away from his, and while he does tend to be cautious about touching people, it doesn't seem so terrible to reach out. wrapping his hand over hers, even for a moment. a reminder that she's not alone here, either, even if it's everything she's afraid of.
temporary. )
I'm sorry. ( it's a lacking word, but he's got to say it, even if it can't fill the gaps or soothe the sorrow. pack is his word for family, and he really and truly is glad that Emma has hers again, even if her past still complicates things. feeling unwanted stays with you, it'd made him angry instead of distant. he's glad that she's starting to learn differently without the extremes he'd needed. ) I know it's not easy, but remember you're not a lone wolf here, either. Who I used to be doesn't change how I feel about you now.
( and surely Emma can tell Graham is very much on the opposite side of the spectrum from the angry young man she'd met. he cares about her a great deal, probably more than she even knows. )
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Date: 2016-10-11 01:59 am (UTC)Emma used to have a friend who thought being a runaway was some big adventure, but it was never anything like that. It was scary for dozens of reasons, and upsetting for a few hundred more. Regina used to like to argue that her past was an indicator of who she is now, and no matter how much she changes, she still walks with the shadow of someone who's too afraid to hope for permanence.
She turns her hand over, lets their fingers lace together. It's not asking or expecting anything of him. Count the number of times they've touched under normal circumstances and she could probably fit them on one hand. It's not normal to be abandoned, they both learned that sooner than they would have liked to, but it's a part of their past. She can understand why he's so at home with animals, they took care of him when no one else would. That kind of connection must be powerful, but Emma's never felt it.]
Don't be. [Sorry, because that's not why she told him. People have felt sorry for her for as long as she can remember, she doesn't want to lump him with that. It's not until he continues that she can breathe again, the pad of her thumb stroking across his knuckle in a quiet gesture of gratitude. Wasn't she supposed to be the one making him feel better about this? He's the one carrying guilt for who he was, and that was never her intention in the first place.]
Are you inviting me into your wolfpack? [ She smiles playfully for a moment, then lets that comment settle into something a little more serious.] Good, because I like who you are now.
[She can handle rejection at the hands of his younger self. It's who he's become that she'd like to keep in her life.]
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Date: 2016-10-13 01:14 am (UTC)he smiles a little at the returned gesture, one that he actually feels instead of just a instinctive reaction he's hardly mindful of. he's glad that things between them haven't changed too drastically from where they'd been before. he was afraid of that, and perhaps he shouldn't have been. he would not make that mistake twice. )
Something like that, only I won't expect you to sleep in a pile or let my brother clean behind your ears. ( some parts of the pack weren't as enjoyable as others, honestly... though Graham is still fond of sleeping in a pile, actually. kinda sucks that his brother occasionally absconds to pile with Sunny instead!!! whatever happened to bros before hoes, man... brutal.
as for the compliment, the last she'd given him he knew little what to do with, and this one seems no different. he breathes a laugh, shaking his head. it's definitely a pace late when he answers with a limited, ) I'm glad. ( he'd prefer Emma like him over not, certainly. he just can't manage to actually like himself enough that the compliment makes any sense. he can't fathom being dreamy, and even worse, he can't quite understand why she likes him, either; especially knowing more about him over less. that's a heavy thought, and one that stays caged in his head. he'd rather she not change her mind, even if it's rather selfish of him. he squeezes her palm, a goodbye of sorts, if she can read the communication without any words. surely he's taken up enough of her time as it is. )
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Date: 2016-10-23 08:24 pm (UTC)Hey, the pile has its perks. [ He never has to worry about getting cold or needing a blanket. The one time Brother dragged them into a pile, it wasn't the worst thing that had ever happened to her. While Graham seems to expect that she would be uncomfortable with the routines he's established, Emma finds it easier to be a part of them than he tends to realize. It's how easily they work together that creeps up on her sometimes, when she's aware their differences could be more of an obstacle.
She nods, letting him stand before he does so that she can follow him to the door. Somehow she has a feeling that she isn't the only one he needs to see on his apology tour, and she won't keep him from that. They don't get a lot of downtime with this organization, he probably needs to take this as an opportunity to catch up while he still has one.]
I'll see you later. [ A promise, even without any agreed upon plans. If she doesn't seek him out and he doesn't seek her out, they still have two wolves who are impressively skilled in their persistence.]
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Date: 2016-10-29 10:25 pm (UTC)it's true, and she's not. unfortunately it seemed the Huntsman had managed to ruffle quite a few feathers, and it was forcing the man he'd become to answer questions he hadn't anticipated answering. perhaps it wasn't a bad thing, to stop zealously holding his past to himself. like it or not, it was a part of him, and if he'd been honest about it? he might not have so many apologies to make. )
I'll see you later. ( it's an agreement, and he likes the reality of it. for however long yet that it will last. he's glad that Emma is here with him, though he knows that's a rather selfish thing to feel. it's not permanent, he knows that, but the idea that they still have time is still a reassuring one. he manages a glimmer of a smile before he slips away, off to the next person that got on the wrong side of his past. )